Prelude: This is a frank, man-to-man talk to which I invite contributions from those who wish to share their experiences or observations.
In my last post, I sought to know which
of man’s common vices is worse in terms of its capacity for self-destruction. I
listed many, but ultimately zeroed down on Alcoholism, Pornography, Gambling,
Cigarette Smoking, Drug Addiction as well as Sex addiction and Infidelity. My
list is not in any particular order. I
am starting here with the evil of Sex Addiction and Infidelity. I do not
assume this to be the worst or the least; I certainly need other opinions to arrive
at any credible conclusion.
Now we can get started!
Having an obsessive desire for sex, especially outside
a man’s own wife or partner, is akin to an accident waiting to happen. If not
curbed, it is almost certainly headed for some form of regret, personal
contrition or open disgrace.
Before proceeding, I need to clarify that my position
here is not an attempt at sanctimonious preaching. I make bold to admit that I
talk largely from personal experience and those of many men that I know of.
Truth be told, sexual indiscretion and its ensuing scandals
have accounted for the tragic fall of many men from grace to grass, the death
of not a few, the ruination of many careers and the total, often irreversible destruction
of many families and relationships. Frequently, a man facing the ugly consequences
of his unbridled sexual escapade is left asking himself, is it really worth it
after all?
Indeed, for every fling or any illicit affair, the
cost almost always outweighs the pleasures or benefits. Always. Anywhere. Everywhere.
A few months ago, in my nation Nigeria, a senior
lecturer at the University of Lagos got sacked from his respectable job and was
eventually jailed at the end of a disgraceful, widely publicized sex-for-admissions scandal involving a young girl he molested which went
viral.
Similar cases of randy lecturers who just couldn’t zip
up have emerged from Lagos State University, Lagos, Obafemi Awolowo University
Ife, Osun State and many of our ivory tower.
Sometimes these scandals are accompanied by salacious videos of the
culprits literally caught pants down -
old men who are husbands, fathers and grandfathers in otherwise decent families
now being shown nude, to a world opened wider by social media, as they struggle at
the sudden realization that their predatory attempt at taking advantage of
young girls is caught on hidden camera.
There is an adage in my native Yoruba language. “Asegbe kan kosi. Asepamo lo wa”. Translated, it means No evil deed remains
hidden forever, the chances are that our ugly secrets would come into the open
at some point.
Whether it be a one-night fling or a long term relationship, many escapades have unfortunately ended up in undesirable
outcomes ranging from stubborn diseases to unwanted babies. I know at least two separate couples who died
of HIV aids, the husband being the original conveyor in each case. We have
heard of men who once appeared to all as the epitome of career and family
values, only for strange mothers with hitherto unknown children to appear at
their burial, thus tainting their memories irreparably in the hearts of those they
love so dearly.
Elsewhere across the globe there are ample case
studies of the negative consequences of infidelity involving men of power and
influence.
I shudder at the recollection of what became of Harvey
Weinstein, former American film producer who was ignominiously kicked out of his
own company - Miramax, the renowned entertainment organisation he co-founded
with his brother Bob. This was followed by his expulsion from the Academy of Motion
Picture Arts and Sciences, all being the result of his conviction on serial sexual
abuses against several women, acts that spanned many years. Now serving his 23year sentence, the sight of the
once powerful and bubbling 71year old industry leader, crumpled in the
wheelchair as he made his appearance in court, made me sad indeed.
Renowned comedian Bill Cosby’s case was similar in
terms of the gravity of the fall from Utopian heights. Once the darling of
television viewers all over the globe to whom he had projected the image of an exemplary
family man, he paid dearly for his unbridled libido. He was convicted in 2018
for aggravated indecent assault on several women, dating back many years. His
losses were incalculable: hundreds of millions of dollars lost to abrupt
termination of contracts and severance of ties with many honourable organisations,
capped by the revocation of honourary degrees previously awarded to Cosby by as
many as twenty five Colleges and Universities.
Bill Clinton, United States’ 42nd President, much
loved though he was by many Americans, also had the record of his administration stained
forever by the Monica Lewinsky scandal. The most powerful man in the world just
couldn’t take his ravenous eyes off a young White House Intern! For lying under oath, he was impeached by the
House for perjury (although later acquitted in the senate, saved from outright removal
by sheer grace of non bi-partisan consensus).
Now here are the posers. If sexual indiscretion portends such dishonorable
consequences, why do men still get themselves embroiled in it? What is it in
man that makes him feel he could eat his cake and have it as well? Can a man
who is serially unfaithful to his wife honestly claim to love her
notwithstanding? Shouldn’t such avowal be
taken with a pinch of salt? And by the
way, to what degree is this problem a Nigerian thing? Is it truly part of our
culture to consider the same acts of infidelity as forgivable for the husband
yet an unpardonable mortal sin for the wife? Viewed from the opposite angle, why
should a woman’s determination to abandon her marriage or relationship due to the
serial unfaithfulness of her partner be seen by family, friends and
indeed the society as an incredulous and untenable excuse?
I really would love to have other people’s perspectives
on these posers.